Peggle Peril
by Varoth
Summary: Will young Skyler defeat Peggle Master Bjorn the unicorn? Or will Bjorn be his undoing? An intense journey through an ominously friendly hell. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note:_

_For anyone who hasn't played Peggle, it is a horrible game likely designed by little girls. While I admit it could possibly be fun, the fact that the game has far too many rainbows, unicorns, flower power, and more. This is written as a satire._

_Chapter 1_

Meeting a Master

The young Skyler stared in sheer puzzlement at his opponent. Cold sweat bespangled his brow in the brisk wind. He prudently pulled a black handkerchief from his back pocket, and slowly wiped his forehead. Closing his eyes, he attempted to clear his mind. Slowly, he opened them.

That goddamn unicorn was still there!

"Okay," said Skyler, "something is seriously wrong here."

"What, don't you believe in unicorns?" The unicorn pouted annoyingly.

"Wait, you can-"

"I mean, I believe in humans, and is it really_ that_ hard to…"

Skyler listened in disbelief for a few minutes to the sulky rant. Finally, he introduced himself.

"I'm Skyler." Rudely, he didn't instead a hand, but then, what would unicorn shake with?

"I'm Bjorn the unicorn."

Haha, chuckled Skyler thoughtfully, what kind of gay name is Bjorn? He shook his head slightly from mirth. And as a unicorn, he's probably magical too. Skyler bit his tongue to hold his amusement inside him. He resumed his custom stoic stance, as he realized Bjorn had never stopped talking.

"…and Skyler! That's a gay name!" Bjorn looked at the young lad standing across from him.

"What the he-NO, Skyler is definitely not a gay name."

"It _so_ is!"

"Yeah, well, I know a girl named Skyler!" Skyler blurted before realizing that it did not help his argument at all.

Bjorn began making a bizarre sound. The young lad anxiously backed away, thinking Bjorn must be having an orgasm or something. A second away from turning and sprinting for help, he became conscious that the twisted unicorn was laughing at him.

"Listen, you screwed up pony, you better get out of here right now. The only reason I'm here is-"

"Oh, I_ love_ it when you talk that way!"

"Shut up! The only reason I'm here is…uh," Skyler studdered awkwardly, "um."

"We were destined to meet!" Bjorn was blossoming. "I'm filled with hap_pin_ess!" Except he put the emphasis on hap-PIN-ess, making it sound as if he was constantly thinking about…eew, thought Skyler.

"Uh…I think I'll just leave now." Skyler stepped backwards, recoiling from the apparently gay unicorn. Bjorn sighed deeply.

"I would come with you, but I have a _date_-"

"That's great Bjorn, I'm just leaving now!"

"-some _annoying_ Peggle player looking for a Peggle Master-"

"You're a Peggle master!?! What the hell is this? A joke?" Skyler's mouth dropped open.

"Hey, if a pumpkin can be a Peggle Master, why can't a unicorn?"

"There's a pumpkin Peggle Master?!" Skyler's favorite sport was quickly becoming his least favorite.

"And a lobster, and an alien and-"

"Jesus Christ! Make it stop!"

Skyler was practically nauseous. Well, he thought dizzily, if I want to get better I have to beat this joke of a Peggle Master. He gathered his courage and said

"I'm the challenger, you annoying pony."

He didn't know how much saying that excited Bjorn until it was far too late.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note:_

_While the first chapter was-at points-legitimately funny, this chapter is far worse. This is definitely M-rated material. You have been warned._

Chapter 2

The Beginnings of Struggle

Skyler walked silently next to his bizarre unicorn opponent. After some miscommunications, Skyler realized that the weirdo-Bjorn-was actually a Peggle Master. His competitive mind was managing to reawake as he sized up his enemy.

Looks fairly athletic, he thought. And his fur isn't actually white. It's purple. What kind of self-respecting unicorn is purple? Appears to have good dexterity, except that he only has hooves, which is a definite advantage for me. He's very bad at keeping emotions under control, certainly. And his fur is freaking _purple!_

"Hey Bjorn…"

"_Skyler!_ I'm so glad you're talking to me again!"

"Um, yeah, great-"

"I mean, the silent treatment _hurts_. I felt so sad for that desolate minute and 27.5 seconds! Never do that again!" Bjorn appeared close to tears.

Definitely emotionally unstable.

"I…won't?" Skyler said, thinking of the kookiness of the situation. "Anyway, why is your fur purple? I'm sorry, but that's just not right."

"But...purple is the bestest color…ever…_this is worse than the silent treatment!" _garbled the sexually challenged unicorn " and also….you know what, my dad was blue, my…other dad was red, and you do the color mix…"

"Oh, yeah, I understand completely. I mean, my dad is tan but my mom is computer screen white so I-wait, you have two dads!?! Actually, don't even answer that."

So maybe it was upbringing? Must investigate further…or not. He was always swishing his tail around, and Skyler figured that would take out plenty of energy over time, so another advantage for him.

"Are you looking at my trunk?! _OMFG! This is a dreeeeaamm!"_ The pony sounded like he was spitting rainbows.

Skyler could have said many things to that. The first thing that popped to mind was 'go die.'

"Go die." He put it simply so the queer unicorn would comprehend.

Abruptly, Bjorn turned and ran away, leading Skyler to believe that he was gone for good. Immediately, the amateur Peggler felt a deep sense of relief.

"You know, he said, "I may never become a true Peggle Master, but at least the gay, messed-up thing is gone." The young man sighed and closed his eyes in that feeling one gets when they narrowly escaped being molested. After a deep sigh of relaxation, he again opened his eyes and-WHAT THE HELL!

He was clearly not in the same area as before. When he originally closed his eyes, there was a bit of fog, the air was brisk and he was near the highway. Cars had been stopping to stare at the unicorn. There had even been an accident. Of course, stupid Bjorn had just had to help and made a few more enemies at which point the police had to intervene and then….

But the bottom line was, he was no longer on Earth. What he saw was akin to every female six year old's dream land and slightly like the care bear world, adding a few more psychedelic color schemes. There was a building, the front of which was eerily similar to Michael Jackson's neverland ranch. The air tasted of faintly of vanilla and strongly of LSD. The floor felt solid, and yet it was yielding, like walking on jello. A small flying object flew drunkenly towards me and then dropped at my feet. I looked at its lifeless form. This was truly a horsefly. A fly was dressed up in a purple horse costume.

"Oh dear god." he thought, "if he overpowers me, will he dress me up like that?!"

Then Skyler had a horrible image of himself in a latex pony suit with a hole in the---ughh, best not to think of that. Skyler spit out the vomit that remained in his mouth onto the cloudlike surface. He swiftly vnoticed that it transformed into butterflies half way to the ground. So even his stomach contents had been transformed. The young lad made a mental note not to eat any butterflies. Quickly, he started walking, mainly hoping to find a cliff to jump off of, but the only one the Peggle player found ended up having pillows shaped like hearts and stars at its base.

He could feel the dark, evil corruption possessing him.

Well, maybe it wasn't honestly that bad. I mean, even the butterflies seemed happy.

"No!" screeched Skyler, "I refuse to succumb! Butterflies live like three days, all of which is breeding purposed, of course they're happy!" He continued to walk. Skyler felt exhausted, but knew he couldn't rest. Who could even guess what creature might take advantage of him?

Soon, the Peggle challenger found himself walking in a drug haze. Possibly the LSD in the air? Mentally, Skyler couldn't focus.

"I can tell you're struggling with this air."

The bleary-eyed boy stared blankly at a bright red lobster in shorts. The lobster appeared very cartoonish, with thin, twig-like arms yet wiith huge claws at the ends. Roughly Skyler's size, he was a giant crustacean. Two enormous eyeballs dangled impossibly off of tiny antennae. I'm high, he thought, his thought process moving slower than molasses.

"Aren't you a bit out of place for this land?" Poor Skyler slurred.  
"I only want to help you," the lobster looked critically at him, "Believe me, if Bjorn is in love with you, you need help."

"Where am I?" Skyler stumbled over a rabbit dressed in a purple horse costume. "Damn unicorns!"

The lobster raised his antennae skeptically. "That's a rabbit." He pointed out.

"Welcome to Peggleland-Bjorn's World. It sucks dick-as does he, actually.

"Listen, I don't have too much time, but let me tell you something important. Bjorn isn't a unicorn. When the time comes, you must confront him!"

Skyler nodded, and fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note:_

_So far, the least disturbing yet. Very funny._

Chapter 3

Escape From Claude

Skyler awoke in a shallow hut made out of strange white sticks, bits of fabric, and mud. He looked around groggily, noting his surroundings. The lobster was cooking something in the fire. It smelled a little odd, but it looked good enough to eat.

"Young Skyler—"

"Actually, I am 17 and three quarters." Skyler was always annoyed when people considered him youthful.

"Oh, I mean, old man, we must develop your skills. But first, we must supply your body with lobster lotion."

"I'm not old either, but, um, yeah. Respect me."

The lobster hid a grin. He was very good at controlling mirth, because his exoskeleton was permanently forced into a frown.

"Sorry, that's just a pet peeve of mine. Some dumb friends of mine call me young Skywalker, and it annoys me."

"From Star Wars? What an honor!"

"Er sure." How could he know what Star Wars even is?

Skyler sat up. He swiped sweat off his forehead. A fuzziness clouded his eyes as he attempted to force himself to his feet. The lobster moved his whole body left and right. The amateur Peggle player did not understand until he realized the lobster was only moving his head-which was most of the body too. Skyler had his drink handed to him. His friend gestured for him to drink.

As he sipped, pain flared into his body.

"Agh!" he screamed loudly, "Holy unicorn!" Skyler felt completely awake. "What the purple was that for?"

The crustacean frowned-which was natural because his face was naturally a frown.

"Bjorn's World has had a lasting effect, I see." He appeared deeply troubled.

"What do you-" he coughed, "sorry-what do you mean?"

The lobster pointed at what had come out of Skyler's mouth-a dead, albeit happy looking butterfly.

"Bjorn! I mean, shit!" The young lad paused. "Yeah, I see what you mean."

"Anyway, my name is Claude. And right now, you're in Peggleland, Claude's World. Enjoy it while it lasts because I'm the most normal of all of the Peggle Masters."

Skyler glanced at his bright neon green shorts and equally green flippers.

"I'm sure," he said calmly, as he were speaking to a asylum patient.

"Honestly. The only special thing about my person is my…unique eating habits."

And your appalling fashion sense, thought Skyler. But out loud he said:

"Such as…?" Claude snorted.

"You think that lobster lotion just grows off trees?"

"What does that have to do with eating?"

"That particular lobster was very hard to catch."

Skyler didn't understand.

"You really are young." Claude waggled a claw. "Anyway, want some lobster stew for dinner?"

"Wait, why would you eat-? Jesus, you're a cannibal!"

At roughly this point, Skyler noticed that the white sticks were bones, and the fabric was assorted clothing. Fortunately, he was quite sure that the mud was just good old fashioned mud though, so he only screamed at 2/3rds volume as he dashed out of the hut yelling "DON'T EAT ME DON'T EAT ME DON'T EAT ME!" Claude shrugged. The boy obviously misunderstood cannibalism…

Skyler sprinted until he ran out of breath…which was not very long, as Peggle athleticism does not include having to run…or being in at shape at all. Anyway, the young man quickly arrived at a rail road crossing. Unfortunately, he only had to turn around and walk about fifty steps to reach the hut. I really need to get into shape, thought the Peggler.

"Why the hell would you use trains?" shouted Skyler, even though he knew he knew there was nothing wrong with trains. Then he noticed that all the train cars were all prius.'

"EVERYTHING IS SO DAMN FRIENDLY HERE!" Skyler then proceeded to have a temper tantrum, including throwing a rock at a prius. Regrettably for Skyler's mischevious side, the rock was actually a huge marshmallow and bounced harmlessly off the car. Skyler sighed and continued, deciding to steal a car. He opened the door to find the key already in the ignition.

Suddenly, a claw landed on his shoulder. Stupid Claude! He looked up and saw Claude on top of the car, reaching through the sunroof. He gagged and closed the sunroof on Claude's arm and accelerated to about 40 mph. He thought he heard the sweet but distant sound of Claude's screams. He braked suddenly and heard a snap as Claude's body slid forward, tearing away from the arm that was jammed in the sunroof. Claude slid off in front of the car. Skyler quickly accelerated and heard satisfying crunches among screams and thumps as three tons of eco-friendliness crushed the lobsters life away. Skyler tried to think of something witty to say, but being completely uncreative, he couldn't think of anything but:

"Do you want fries with that?! HAHA!"

He then noticed that the only thing that played on the radio was radio Disney and "Fireside Chats with Bjorn.' Also, there was still a claw plus arm hanging down into the cab, but he did not feel like dealing with that now, it would leave a trail.

About 30 fuel efficient miles later, Skyler heard a 'wup wup wup' sound, and knew it was a flat. To him it was bittersweet, because on the one hand, it sucked because…well it's a flat tire, but on the other hand, at least not everything was happy go fucky around here. He stopped and took a look at the tire, noting sourly that pieces of Claude's exoskeleton were the cause of it. He found Claude's head stuck by the hardly used exhaust pipe and continued to smash it in with the arm from inside the car.

"Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself" he screamed both childishly and hysterically.

He continued this for the next four hours.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Death of a Loved/Hated One

Skyler stared at the pulpy, bashed head of Claude. The skull was heavily chipped and flecks of exoskeleton were scattered over the ground. One eye was missing. The young Peggler tightly clutched the lobster's claw in both grimy, sweaty hands. I'm free, he thought feverishly.

"Stop...hitting...yourself..." gasped Skyler, who was exhausted because Peggle is more like chess than a sport and therefore he only had the upper body strength to move chess pieces. His arms were numb and utterly devoid of energy. He forced himself to let go of the claw. It landed loudly. Skyler couldn't even move his fingers. "Ow."

The prius, which had extremely good gas mileage, was ruined. Claude's body was stuck in the hybrid engine. It clearly was no longer eco-friendly. In fact, thought Skyler darkly, it's eco-fiendly! His giggle echoed in the silence bizarrely.

"Hot dang," realized the young lad abruptly, "I think I'm insane." He tried to clear his mind, but found it impossible. The first thing that popped into his head was how tasty it would be if Chinese food had marshmellows on it.

"Young Skyler," a raspy, near death voice came from Claude's head.

"Claude! Are you alright? Don't die!"

Clearly, Skyler overlooked that he had run over the lobster with a car.

"Skyler..." his voice trailed off into the distance dramatically until Skyler rudely interrupted.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again! And what are you doing under that car? Were you eating a lobster? Eat cleaner please, there's pieces everywhere!"

"You ran me over," answered the gagging lobster.

"What? I can't even drive! What are you talking about?" Senile old Claude, he thought knowingly. Poor guy. But, just to humor the Peggle Master, Skyler tried as hard as he could to remember.

"Wait a second!" He shouted decisively. "Did you just call me...**_young _**Skyler?!?"

Skyler's youthful face began turning a shade of deep purple, strangely matching the shade of the bushes behind him. He paced determindly towards the gas tank of the car, stopping only to bend over and grab a useful match from off the ground. So helpful, he thought absentmindly.

"Wait, boy! What...are you doing!" Claude barely managed to speak before coughing intensely.

"Something I should have done ten years ago." Answered Skyler non-sequiturly. He had heard the line in some movie and felt it fit the situation well, as he had only known Claude for a few hours and he didn't feel like being logical.

He reached down and picked up Claude's head and tossed it crudely into the gas tank. Bits of madness seemed to come and go in his blood shot eyes. Slowly, with a smile as corrupted as Bjorn's World, he lit the match and tossed it in the air.

Claude, sweating like a dog, knew he had to get out of there fast. He stalled, remembering something Skyler had said.

"Wait! Luke-err, Skyler-old man Skyler, I am your FATH-"

The match landed in the engine.

The prius exploded loudly and efficiently, saving the economy a total of twenty two dollars and fourteen cents. More could have been saved, but the creatures of Peggleland enjoyed fireworks, which shot into the air as the car exploded. They were multi-colored and often phrases formed in the sky, such as: 'Helping is helpful', 'Laugh, and we all laugh at you, but nicely' and 'Everyone loves you but sometimes they hide it well.' Shapes also appeared, well, a shape anyway. Hearts formed constantly.

Skyler ducked behind a extremely convienent rock. Covering in green polka dots with a pink backround, it was fashionable _and_ safe.

After waiting until the fireworks stopped-two whole hours-Skyler came out to find Claude pieces everywhere.

"Gross," he said, "but really, I did him a favor. Being a lobster must suck. Maybe he'll be reincarnated as a crab." Skyler didn't truly understand the nature of lobster religions.

"Shoot!" He cursed, "the tires are blown out! Guess I can't drive this anymore." Skyler this out loud as if he didn't notice the car was a burning wreck. Like Claude, pieces of the cars were everywhere.

"Guess I'll just have to walk then...hehe...HAHA! Walk! Hilarious! Write that one down Skyler!" I'm so funny, he thought.

Suddenly, the nature of the crime he had just commited was realized by Skyler. At that same instant, he realized he had lost his only ally in this bizarre world....and that he was hungry.

"AGAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, full of despair and loss...but mostly hunger.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The Haunted Pumpkin

Skyler, fatigued to the point of insanity, aimlessly wandered off into a direction he called 'Norest.' Armed only with a bloody lobster claw and his wits (which were extremely crappy by that point), Skyler ventured Norest in the hope of escaping Peggleland.

Unfortunately, as he struggled through Claude's World his failing mind failed (not surprisingly) to notice that things were becoming suspiciously creepy. For one thing, Skyler walked directly into a cemetery without realizing his surroundings. He did, however, absentmindly munch on a gravestone made of dark chocolate. Skyler became aware of someone yelling at him.

"Hey! Keep it down up there!"

"Uh," Skyler replied, his unusually sharp mind unsuccessfully searching for a comeback.

"Please! I'm trying to sleep!"

"Yeah, well…you're gonna have to catch me first!" Skyler grinned deviously. The voice quieted for a few seconds. Skyler waited for a response, enjoying the verbal sparring.

"What?"

"CATCH ME FIRST! AWOOOOGA!" Skyler dashed off in a random direction before tripping over another chocolate gravestone. Most people could easily break a 4-inch thick piece of white chocolate, but then most cripples could easily best Skyler in a race by dragging themselves by their arms.

Dazed, Skyler sat up. Well, _tried_ to sit up. This is a Peggle athlete we're talking about.

"You okay?"

This is a tough verbal fight, thought Skyler darkly. Maybe if I use big words…?

"Anomalistic! Ebullient! Cynosure!"

"I don't think you're okay…"

"!" Victory, thought a confident Skyler. "That's a lung disease caused by the inhalation of fine silica dust." Get owned, Skyler added silently under his breath.

"Nope."

"Nope?" Skyler was confused. But still confident in victory.

"Nope. You made that up."

"Wha…what!"

"In fact, I think you made all of them up."

"Bu-bu-bu-but but but-"

"It's done. Now go home and let me sleep."

At which point Skyler had an increasingly rare lucid moment.

"That's exactly what I want to do, you dumb piece of sh-" Skyler snarled fiercely.

"Hey, hey. No need to swear."

Skyler paused, angry with both himself and this voice.

"Would you at least show yourself!"

There was a pause, followed by a deep creaking. Skyler watched as a skeleton sat up. Even though he noticed that the skeleton was actually just Charleston's Chews, and he was coming out of Oreo cookies. Skyler, in his state of sanity, was still scared. He pulled out his black handkerchief and was about to wipe his brow when he noticed that it was actually a glittery, shiny purple handkerchief that smelled strongly of acid. Violently, Skyler threw his handkerchief away.

"You don't belong here," The skeleton said, looking surprised, "This is Renfield's World. You look more like you belong in…well, Bjorn's World."

Skyler did not want to hear that. Not at all. In fact, it was enough to force him to remember that he had just lost a verbal sparring match against this thing and that proved unfortunate for the skeleton. Skyler launched himself at it, waving his lobster claw.

The skeleton, not being a Peggle athlete, grabbed his tombstone and whacked Skyler out of the way. Skyler landed painfully on his back. He managed, somehow, to get up before the skeleton reached him. Skyler thrust his claw forward, but the crafty skeleton knocked it out of the way with the gravestone, then quickly punched Skyler in the face. Stumbling backwards, Skyler tripped and fell. In a desperate attempt to survive, he drove the claw forward, blindly hoping to somehow grab the skeleton. By some miracle, he succeeded and seized a foot.

"You didn't catch me first" Skyler squeaked, and brutally ripped the Charleston Chew foot away from the skeleton. Jumping to his feet, he swiftly bashed the skeleton in the face with the claw. The skeleton collapsed, whereupon Skyler ate it.

A few hours later, a surprisingly still hungry Skyler continued to walk down the road, which was really just hard play-doe and glitter. He scanned the vast fields for anything remotely food like.

He tried gnawing on some grass, but it tasted like diluted, rotten yogurt, and did not agree with his stomach, as it was for the green party, and his stomach was a republican. Skyler himself was completely moderate, but only because he didn't even know what politics were. A moderate communist, anyway. Continuing onward, skyler searched and searched, and finally after what seemed like 300 miles of walking to skyler, being only "Peggle fit", but was actually about 1.47 mile, he came upon a pumpkin patch.

"Oh boy!" he ululated. "PEARS!" he raced to the...pear patch, which was truly a pumpkin patch, and grabbed one (with both hands, as it was unusually large). Just as he was about to take a bite, exterior and all, when he heard a voice.

"BY OAKEY! Are y'all gonna eat me?" said the voice, hickily.

"Oh my god..." said Skyler, petrified, "Claude's soul has come to haunt me!" He concluded this despite the fact that this voice had a country accent.

"No, no, no, I am not Claude" said the voice, seemingly coming from the pumpkin. " I am-"

"Yes, I _know_! You're the ghost of Claude past! You can't fool me!" Skyler shrieked hysterically, and with that, threw the pumpkin up, and let it crash down to the ground, where it broke into several pieces. Skyler stood in the same place, breathing heavily, finally saying:

"You can call me Skyler, James Skyler" even though neither his first, middle, or last name are "James." He smoothly brushed the hair out of his face.

He walked over to the shattered pumpkin. He turned it over and saw that there was a crudely cut out face on the back, two triangles and a weird one-toothed mouth. "Nice try, Claude! You'll have to be more artistic than that to fool me!" laughed Skyler, and he went on to eat the pumpkin, which, instead of pulp, was filled with cotton candy, and instead of seeds, gummy octopi. He concluded that it was the best pear he had ever eaten.

As any decent food connoisseur knows, one must focus on his food until the very last bite. Naturally then, Skyler was so intent on eating that he did not notice the headless man behind him. The man wore entirely black clothing, dress pants and a tux. Obviously he considered himself 'stylin' and therefore wore a bowtie. In his hands-which were a bizarre grayish color, almost zombie-like-was a sliver platter.

Finally, Skyler burped a burp of pure content. Stomach full, a minor bit of his sanity was restored. As he turned around, lips covered in cotton candy, he saw the headless man and lost anything he might have regained.

"No head! No head!" The amateur Peggler decided the best idea was to insult the head lacking man. "MISTER NO HEAD!" He screeched. "You're a Mister No Head!"

Then, what should have been obvious came to him.

"Claude has no head!"

Soon, Skyler was so frightened he began to foam at the mouth. At that point, Mr. No Head decided that enough was enough and whacked Skyler on the head with his sliver platter. Remarkably, it calmed the young lad down.

"Sorry, uh, Mr. No Head. I've head-I MEAN HAD-a rough few days. Or week. I really have no idea."

And with that, a deep friendship was bourne.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The Peggle Battle

"And then…and then…and then I said _WALK!_" Skyler chortled loudly as he remembered his joke. Next to him, Mr. No Head remained silent, because, well, because he didn't have a head. Not wanting the poor man to be embarrassed that could not laugh at such a funny joke, Skyler laughed twice as hard. There, thought the young Peggle player as he finished squealing, now he's at ease.

"Oh yeah, and sorry I dropped the Peggle Master, Mr. Pumpkin or whatever."

"Renfield, please." The weak voice reverberated from the pulpy mess on the shiny platter that Mr. No Head carried. Despite being in pieces, the pumpkin still managed to talk.

"Right, right. Sorry, Bill." Skyler kept walking, not realizing he had called the Peggle Master by a completely wrong name.

"No, no, they be a callin' me Ren-" Abruptly, Skyler cut him off.

"No, Bill, I don't want to hear how you broke up with your girlfriend. I think we all know it was the other way around."

Skyler and Mr. No Head continued their long walk down to wherever they were going. As a beta male, Skyler was a born follower. Except that he didn't have the stamina for long walks. And this one was taking forever. His boredom manifested itself in many bizarre ways. Namely, he tried to pee on everything blue. Fortunately, enough, Renfield's world tended to have orange, brown and black things than blue ones. So Skyler began peeing on everything orange. In fact, he almost got Renfield, except that Mr. No Head pulled the platter away at just the right time. In this way and others, Skyler unknowingly continued antagonizing Renfield until finally, the pumpkin had had enough.

"I'm a gonna challenge you to a Peggle match!" The weak voice reverberated from the mess on the silver platter that Mr. No Head carried. Skyler shrugged.

"Bill, can't you see I'm busy? I have to take a call!" Skyler picked up a chocolate toad, put it to his ear, and started talking to it. "Y'ello? Sarah? What up!"

At this point, both Mr. No Head and Renfield realized he must have been hallucinating. After all, no Peggle players ever met girls. And there were no exceptions to that rule. Mr. No Head walked up behind Skyler and tapped him on the shoulder. Skyler impatiently held up his hand.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But really, I have to leave. I do. So sorry. Un-huh. Well, you have to invite everyone to your birthday party, even Scott. I know, but you have to be-OW!" Mr. No Head grabbed the toad, threw it to the ground and stomped on it, without ever coming into contact with Skyler.

"That hurt!" Skyler shouted, even though he had not been touched. "Prepare to fight the combined powers of Claude and young Skywalker!"

Skyler charged forward, making complicated buzzing sounds and waving his claw. Mr. No Head nimbly sidestepped Skyler's offensive. Gasping for breath, Skyler knew he couldn't continue much longer before he'd be exhausted. Summoning his last vestiges of energy, he tried to use the Force. He reached out with one hand and then flung it to the side, desperately hoping he could throw Mr. No Head.

Since Skyler was not actually Skywalker, he failed miserably. Mr. No Head waggled a finger condescendingly. Then the man in the black tux swiftly leaped forward and punched Skyler once. The unathletic Peggle player, defeated, collapsed to the ground.

Skyler awoke coughing. He immediately realized he no longer had Claude's claw. Then he rubbed his left shoulder, feeling the aftereffects of Mr. No Head's deadly punch. He couldn't move his arm. Must have broken some bones, thought the amateur Peggle player. In reality, a small bruise rested on his shoulder. Grimacing, Skylar stood up, not recognizing his surroundings.

Upbeat techno music pounded in his ears. The atmosphere smelled sterile, as if Skyler stood in a hospital. The background was a picture. It looked fake, but stylized.

Wait, what? Skyler paused. Then he looked down. Opaque blue and orange balls floated in the air. The amateur Peggler distinctly decided not to think about what held him in the air. To his far left was a tall tube that would hold his score. He walked forward and found a turret loaded with ten Peggle balls. After seeing that, there could be no doubt. This was a Peggle Arena.

"LET'S PEGGLE!" Shouted Skyler. The music changed to a more intense but still happy song. Skyler tried to crack his knuckles, but no sound came. Whatever, thought Skyler, it still looked cool.

Skyler aimed down the scope of his turret. This course looked significantly more difficult than anything he'd ever faced.

He shot the first ball. Against all odds, he somehow missed every single floating ball in the arena.

"What!" Skyler growled. At this point, he still harbored the notion he was a good Peggler. He aimed a purple score ball. But right before he launched it forward, he remembered a crucial fact of Peggle.

"Hey!" Skyler shouted. "This is a kid's game! Don't I get my ball back if I missed everything?" Holding his breath, the amateur waited.

A giant sign appeared. It began to flip. An angel ball image was on one side, and a burning ball was on the other. The sign stopped spinning on the burning ball. That meant he did not get a free ball to retry with.

"No! It can't be!" Skyler grimaced. With a soft pop, he sent the second ball forward.

It was heartbreaking watching that ball also descend into nothingness without hitting anything. But Skyler found it worse when the sign again decreed did not get a retry.

"What's happening to me!" Skyler screamed in frustration. As he launched the remaining balls, his chances of success fell further. Finally, on the tenth ball, he realized he still had over half of the floating orbs left.

Sweating, he wiped his grimy hands on his dirty shirt, where they became more slippery. He tried to calculate where his ball would land, what would be the most effective way to conquer this stage. After he thought he had a solution, he carefully wrapped his hands around the trigger of his turret.

Unfortunately, Skyler did not account for a random muscle spasm, which shot the ball in the complete wrong direction. Skyler watched it bounce off a few well placed orbs. Then he saw it land on a green special move ball.

"Uh…" Skyler tried to think of a superpower none of the Peggle Masters had. "ALARM CLOCK SKYLER STYLE!" He shrieked, having no idea what would happen.

Giant numbers rippled through the course. Somehow, they hit every single one of the floating balls. Time slowed down for the very last one. Wow, thought Skyler. I'll take that over multi-ball any day.

The glowing pits of rainbow joy appeared at the bottom of the stage. Skyler's ball landed in the middle. 100,000 points.

Dimly, Skyler was aware of thousands of people singing about Flower Power. 100,000 points for just that? He stared in amazement at his score. 101, 200. It would have been very pathetic if not for the 100,000.

As Skyler stared in awe, he felt fatigue coming over him. He'd been standing for nearly twenty minutes, after all. He sat down, smiling to himself as he fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Escaping Renfield's World

When Skyler awoke, he found Claude's claw reattached to his arm. Excellent, he thought. He opened his eyes. The annoying hick pumpkin sat inches from his face. Skyler closed his eyes again. This was not something he wanted to deal with.

"Howdy, Skyler! How are ya?"

With an audible groan, Skyler opened his eyes and faced the pumpkin. His first thought: Where is Mr. No Head? He looked around, but couldn't find his arch-nemesis. Nervously, he scanned the room.

Skyler quickly concluded he was in some kind of haunted mansion. In an open closet on his left, a yellowed bride's dress hung torn at the seams. Dust floated up from the carpet without anyone even walking on it. Old paint peeled from the ceiling and walls. The walls looked haggard and old.

Skyler brought his attention back to the pumpkin. Irritating creature that it was, it hadn't stopped talking. Skyler opened his mouth as if to interrupt, but changed his mind. Instead, he hefted his claw menacingly. Renfield did not react, just kept blabbing. Okay, thought Skyler, this is pointless.

He reached forward, flipped the hick pumpkin upside down.

"My! My!" Renfield squeaked. Skyler thrust his claw into the pumpkin and ripped out all of the guts, which happened to be orange Jell-O. Before continuing his work, Skyler ate all of the Jell-O. Then, licking his lips, he caved out a hole large enough for his head. He placed the pumpkin over his head as a hat. When the pumpkin declined to comment, the amateur Peggler assumed he'd finally killed the country buffoon. He stood up to leave Renfield's World. But then the unthinkable happened.

Mr. No Head strutted into the bedroom.

"This is unthinkable," said Skyler, who had never had too much control over his mouth. Mr. No Head pointed at the pumpkin mask Skyler wore. Skyler grinned.

"You like it? It's actually really itchy."

Mr. No Head shifted into a battle position. He spun his silver platter threateningly. He sprinted toward Skyler. The Peggler, having overcome his aversion to fighting, sighed as if he were a pro and ran forward to face Mr. No Head.

Three blows later, Skyler lay face down on the floor. A slight dent had appeared in the platter Mr. No Head carried. Skyler rolled over. He stood up, straightened his shoulders and formed a deformed smile on his pumpkin mask.

Skyler charged forward, stabbing with his lobster claw. Instinctively, Mr. No Head used his platter as a shield. Skyler refused to be defeated. He began hacking with an intensity never before seen in Peggle World. Mr. No Head found himself forced to back up. He continued to defend against Skyler's blows, but found himself tiring.

Skyler swung his claw in a huge arc, aiming at Mr. No Head's stump of a neck. Somehow, Mr. No Head raised his platter in time to intercept the stroke. His shield shattered. Skyler was sure that if the man had a head, he would have looked surprised.

Skyler jumped forward, opening his enormous pumpkin mouth, and bit off one of Mr. No Head's arms. The headless man stumbled backwards, recoiling in pain. Skyler thrust the claw into his enemy's heart. Mr. No Head tumbled to the ground.

Skyler, exhausted, let forth a weak cheer. Then he focused his attention on his real enemy.

"Bjorn, I'm coming for you."


End file.
